Attaching & Detaching

Friday, November 11, 2011

Charlotte (5 months) is sleeping upstairs in my bed right now for only the 2nd time ever by herself. Since the day I brought her home she has slept on a pillow on my lap during the evening (and for most naps except when I carry her in the sling) and then has come to bed with me for the night. The last few weeks she has grown more restless on the pillow on my lap and she's letting me know she needs a little more space. So there she is. On our big king-sized bed. All stretched out by her big-girl self.



She'll stir soon and need to nurse I'm sure, so I'll run up and just stay there with her. I've already run up three times because I heard her moving and want to make sure she isn't rolling over (she's just starting to do that during playtime). Each time I've gone to her she's been content and sleeping soundly. Sleeping much better than she does on the pillow on my lap. And so the process of letting go picks up speed.



I want them to grow much more slowly than they are. Yet I love to see every little big new thing they do. I am constantly in awe. "Like waking up on Christmas morning every day." a friend accurately described the experience of having children to love. But I have never ever been good at letting go without a great deal of pain.



As Charlotte begins to pull away, making these tiny gestures of her independence, the reality that she will be my last baby is crashing in on me. I am not ready. Tonight I want to throw all my "grateful because I never thought I’d get to do this" stuff right out the window. I want a pity party. I want more babies. I want to know that as I let go of this one a little more and a little more there will be another to look forward to one day.



If I could have more children I would not at this point in time set any limit on the number (within reason). Yes definitely one more. Maybe two. Three or four if money and space weren't an issue. I love being a mother more than anything. I love being a wife in part because I can take care of my husband and his children. These first precious years from infant to baby to toddler I love so very much and I will miss this so very much. Tonight, now sitting here on my bed next to my sweet little slumbering Charlotte, I can feel the ache of letting go creeping in.



I wish many things. Mostly that my children will be happy and healthy their whole lives through. Then that my husband and I will be happy and healthy to see as much of their lives as we possibly can. And also that the joy of each milestone, each new stage, each new accomplishment, will soften the ache of letting go and cloud over the desire in my soul for at least one more baby to cherish. I know Amelia and Charlotte will continue to fill my heart and leave no room for holes. Yet where the spaces begin to appear from their beautiful and expanding independence there is an aching that I don't know anything can ever fill.



Except a wonderful little thought... GRANDCHILDREN!