My promotion!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009 

This post will end on a happy note but first I want to share some not-so-happy things. This is a long one because I have not written since August. And it's really just all about me expressing and documenting another part of this journey in motherhood. You may not find it all that entertaining but it describes the most monumental transition I've undertaken (or have been forced to undergo) in this journey of being a mother.

On August 17th I returned to work. Piotr took Amelia to daycare that week because I couldn't bear it. I left the house with them at 7:30AM every morning so that I would not be home without her. Since the day we brought Amelia home I had never been in the house without her and I would not be there by myself. I would not look at all of her toys that had become weekend play things overnight. I could not bear it. Not emotionally, spiritually, or physically.

It wasn't that I worried that she wouldn't be well taken care of. It wasn't that I was anxious or nervous about being away from her. It wasn't that I thought she would miss me terribly.  It was, quite simply, the pain of being separated. It was the longing in my heart to be with her always. It was the innate pull for me to be the person to care for my child.

I was Amelia's Person for sixteen weeks. Of course Piotr took care of her too but I was her main squeeze. I was with her all the time. I met her every need for 16 weeks, not counting the nine months that she was within me. I loved just about every moment of our pregnancy. I loved almost every aspect of our birth experience. And I have certainly loved every minute of being her mother.  And now, it felt like she was being torn from me. It felt wrong. I was sad most of the time. I was angry some of the time. And to be perfectly honest in my darkest moments I was devastated. And in those darkest moments the pain was physical.

On August 17th I returned to work.  I worked from 8:00 AM to 12:00 PM and rushed to Amelia's classroom to scoop her up.  I cried at night and most mornings but while I was at work I worked.  I started working full-time the next week and as everyone had promised it got easier. It got easier but it is still not easy.

What has helped is knowing how happy Amelia is at "school" (that's what they call it, "school", not day care).  I quickly realized that the other babies, each close to one-year old, loved this new little friend of theirs and Amelia was quite interested in watching them do all their "grown-up" things.  Within a week or so I began to receive a wonderful greeting from Bella and Gee-Gee. "Melia! Melia! Melia's here!" they shouted.  These two little ones run towards me with arms outstretched to give Meilia a hug each morning. They gently touch her arms and pat her head. Amelia looks up at them with wonder and I know she is ok and enjoys her days there with her new friends.

Amelia's teachers have been wonderful too. I spend time each morning and afternoon chatting with them a bit and have come to see that they really like having Amelia in their classroom. (i hate to brag but i think she is their favorite!).  They take good good care of her, I can tell. They help Amelia write sweet little notes on her daily report card. "Had a good day today playing with my friends outside."  "I told Miss Beth lots of stories today while she was reading to us. Miss Beth thought I was very funny."  "Learned all about farm animals today. Miss Beth played with the animal puppets and I laughed when she tickled my belly with the chicken."  It is a wonderful place for Amelia and although I would prefer to be the one to spend the days with her I believe that this center is the next best thing for us.

Daycare Highlight #1:  A few weeks ago I was given the best job title of my life!  As with the morning greetings, Bella and Gee-Gee always have a warm welcome to share when I return to pick up Amelia. The typical afternoon greeting is similar to that of the morning with exclamations of "Melia! Melia!" and then "Melia's seat!" when I pull Amelia's car set out to tuck her in to it.  On this rainy afternoon, around 4:45PM, I opened the door to the infant room and it was quiet.  I stepped inside and turned to close the door behind me when I heard, "Melia's Mommy! Melia's Mommy!"  It took me a minute to realize that Bella was referring to me and I realized that in her mind I had just graduated to mommy-status. Bella had watched me come and go for weeks, taking care of Amelia, and giving goodbye and hello kisses and hugs.      I beamed.    "Yes Bella. I'm Amelia's Mommy."  And in that moment I realized, more deeply than I had known before, that my title will never change. I will always be Amelia's mommy, regardless of where she is from 9:00 to 5:00, that is the greatest, most rewarding job I could ever have. I am rich beyond comprehension.

Daycare Highlight #2:  The highest highlight of my daycare days came earlier this week on Tuesday.  After a four-day weekend home with Millie and Piotr we all returned to school and work. As usual the weekend-to-workweek adjustment is not easy for me. Weekends are like wonderful vacations filled with all my favorite things. Mondays are like returning from the best 14-day vacation you've ever had 12 days early. Weekends are wonderful teases of what I would like to have 24/7.  But on to the highlight.

This might not sound all too special but you just have to believe me that it was. Miss Carley, the afternoon teacher, was holding Amelia when I came to pick her up. When I arrive Amelia sometimes smiles at me and sometimes she is too distracted and/or tired to pay me much notice until we get home.  But on this afternoon Amelia reacted differently.  She stared for a moment and locked eyes with me like she was trying to figure something out. Something familiar. A few seconds later a smile brighter than I had ever received swept across her face. Her eyes opened wider, her face seemed to light up three times lighter and she started kicking her feet. I went directly to the sink to wash my hands and noticed that she did not take her eyes off of me. I approached to pick her up and she was BEAMING at me. I mean BEAMING.  Of course I recipricated in every way except the feet kicking...that would have been weird.  We were so happy to see each other. 

I'm pretty sure that those of you here on the East coast saw it...that flash of light that illuminated the already bright sunny sky at 4:45 on Tuesday afternoon?  I wouldn't have believed that my heart could have grown any bigger but it did in that moment. I took Amelia in to my arms. Hugs and kisses were given. We smiled at each other and I asked her questions about her day which her teacher answered for her. It feels so good to have her in my arms.  We went to her cubby to get her sweater and pulled out her car seat ("Melia's seat!"  "Yes Bella.").  I looked down at the beauty in my arms and she was still beaming up at me. Watching me. Loving me. When our eyes connected again she laughed.  Well knock me over and call it a day.

So that is my big long-winded post about returning to work and sending my baby off to "school".  I have thought about all kinds of things that I might write about this experience but this sums it up.  Hardest thing I have ever had to do without question.  I have to do it again and again every Monday but it isn't as raw anymore.  On some Sunday's I am sadder than others but on some Sunday's I am ok. Mondays are still tough. Tuesdays get a little better. By Wednesday I'm in the swing of things.  And so it goes. 

The day after I had Amelia my boss called me to tell me I had received a promotion at work.  It's a big job. Not one I originally set out to do but one I enjoy and have embraced.  The people are wonderful. The work is meaningful. It is a good place to be.  But a few weeks ago, a one-year old gave me the greatest promotion I could ever aspire to hold. "Melia's Mommy!"   And that is that.